Fian is coming back...

Fian is coming back sooner because Mom's condition is not stable.  She was well last week but now everything back to square one - not sure with lots of question marks.  Only God knows why, so I'm not going to even ask.  

20121217 Monday - Mom's pain is getting better according to Dad.  She's also eating okay.  Had a sandwich (softer ones) and some mashed potatoes.  She also managed to finish Grandma's soup but couldn't eat the soup ingredients.  She had a CT Scan this morning to see how well she is for the next round of chemo treatment.  Her lips are still swollen with some bruises but no more bleeding.  After the platelet last night, she had two bags of blood today.  The doctor and nurses will keep an eye on her with her condition.  They also gave her some antibiotics and pain killers at the same time, trying to bring her condition back up and get ready for the treatment.  

The nurses found Dad his sofa bed so he will rest better from now on.  He also started taking shower and having dinner at Carly and Tyler's this week.  One good news is that Mom finally has some BM after like five/six days!!!  She wanted to go right after the scan and thought it was just a little (cuz' probably it was quick).  But there was actually a lot, according to Dad!  She feels much better after that but in general, she's still very weak.  She couldn't even stay up when I was there last night, even though she's alert and answering me here and there.  

The doctor said they will wait until Mom's condition is better before they will start the treatment, probably around two three days.  Wilson reminded me that I don't need to be strong at all cuz' the weaker we are, the more we know we need Him.  Pray that I can stay humble at all times so the thirst will always be there.

Jonah misses Mom and Dad for sure, kept asking for them whenever...me too.

20121218 Tuesday - Fian called during lunch asking if she should come back sooner (originally, she planned to come back in February).  Apparently, she talked to Dad over the phone and Dad showed some emotions.  Dr. Lutynski said Mom is not fit to have the second chemo.  They need to make sure she's strong enough but her lungs and kidneys are not very stable.  The lumps on her arms and in her abdomen are all leukemia related.  I haven't asked if it means it's spread cuz' I'm scared to know more.  Fian will talk to her boss tomorrow and let him know the situation.  Most likely will come back sooner, at least that's the plan for now.  

Mom's oxygen level is at the max and is having problem breathing.  She's too weak to even go pee herself, that's why the urinary catheter is back.  She's also in severe pain that not even morphine works.  So they had to give her something that's five times stronger.  The Doctor said he's thinking if it's worth doing the second chemo for Mom.  I think that's when Dad started to break down.

I got a massage from Tyler after work.  It wasn't the best news I'm sure.  We basically have two options: one to do nothing and let it happen, with transfusion and pain relief only.  Mom will have one to two weeks.  Option 2 is to try a controlling chemo treatment which only has 20% of success rate.  Any side effects can take Mom's life in hours.  The decision has to be made soon as the options won't be there forever.  So if side effects of options 2 happens, she may not even have one to two weeks.  I went down earlier trying to see what they think.  Surprisingly, I was very calm with peace.

I was asking myself what's so scared and worried?  Cuz' I don't want to say goodbye.  Why don't I want to say goodbye?  That's because I love her and want to do so much with her.  But God told me not to as we can't do everything together anyways.  We won't have "enough" anyways, plus there's time for everything.  You never know the future.  Listening to the shooting down in the States, anything can happen anytime.  One week/two weeks maybe even longer than anyone of us.  

Carly and Tyler were there with us.  Dad was the weakest as usual, which is very understandable.  He wants to try at first but as Carly explained more and more, I think he backed up a little bit.  Mom is not scared but deep down, I know she has question marks like all of us.  She even said she feels a bit frustrated.  Yeah, cuz' we have seen God's work on her and second induction then BM transplant was the plan.  Pray that whatever decision we are to make, we won't regret and look back.  Mom wants to be pretty and she doesn't want pain.  And the bottomline is, what wants to make sure Fian is around, so she can be with everyone and we can go through it together.  

Rev. Tommy Wong and Pastor Johnny/Mable came at a different time to listen to us and pray for us.  I'm sure the whole church is now praying for us.  I really really want to say thank you for all the prayers and for walking with Mom and our family the whole time.  God is still good, even though it's sad and there will be tears.

Seriously, I'm in peace the whole time until I finally got home and started talking to Gloria.  Then, I started to cry...

There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,

a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,

a time to search and a time to give up,

a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,

a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,

a time for war and a time for peace.

(Ecclesiastes 3:1-8)