Do not be afraid...

Mom is having a hard time resting.  So, I guess it's better not have anymore visitors for now as you may miss Mom.  I feel bad stopping visitors to see her when she's trying to sleep.  I also feel bad to see visitors leave without being able to see her up or just for a super short "hi" and "bye" coming all the way downtown.  Thanks for all your love, care, flowers (even from overseas - thanks Gum Uncle/Auntie), cards, songs, emails, phone calls, messages, etc.  Please don't stop praying however.  We do need lots.  I'm sure you understand.  But if you really really want to come or if you want to see Dad, Fian or myself, please give me a shout in advance (416)716-6211 so I can make arrangements.

20121228 Friday - Gloria needed to work again.  The boys were with Cheryl and their Kung Kung Por Por.  I do feel bad not being able to spend time with them (sorry) but I know they understand as they love me and my family (thank you).

4 Gu Jeh and I arrived when Mom was about to sleep again.  She's having a resting pattern with the pain medication today.  Every time, she would sleep for up to three hours and be up for about an hour.  Sometimes, she is having a hard time falling asleep.  It felt like I'm trying to make a baby sleep.

The nurses made her a "butterfly" on her right arm so she can have the medication by injection so she'll have less fluids inside.  However, it takes longer for the medication to kick in and Mom may need to "suffer" a little bit.  On the other hand, she will have a bit more "alert" time to spend with us.  Amazingly, sometimes she has enough strength to stand up and dance with Dad once to twice a day!  Another miracle to me again.  Even though Dad's back is in pain, he would use all his strength to hold Mom for a dance that last for a few minutes.  He still likes to sing the same one two favorite songs of theirs each time, in tears.  Mom also didn't want to let go every time.  I know she loves Dad and is gonna miss him...

Today, Mom's still alert even though the medication is super drowsy.  She can't really talk properly though.  Fian and I were competing to see who understand Mom the fastest.

Not sure if it's because we told her that the boys were coming for dinner, the afternoon wasn't the best for Mom.  She just couldn't fall asleep somehow.  We did quite a lot at the same time, cleaned her, changes her bed sheets, showed her pictures and videos, etc.  Her catheter was leaking and we see some blood, so the nurses had to change it too.  When the boys, Gloria and my in-laws arrived, Mom was very alert and was able to "talk" to us for a good period of time.  Thanks for visiting Auntie "Ling", "Yee", Beatrice and Deacon Henry.  The goodbyes were very emotional but we know God will only provide the best for us.

Derek and Grandma were also there in the afternoon.  Carly, Tyler, Uncle Ed and Auntie Tiana again brought us dinner, thank you.  What a feast at night, Daddy David's rice, Auntie Tiana's congee, noodles and dessert, we had a "complete" Chinese dinner!  We left at around 11pm after Mom had both pain and sleeping medication.  God please give us peace and strength.   We are lost sometimes even though we know You are still holding our hands.

20121229 Saturday - Mom had a seizure after we left.  Carly and Tyler went back.  Mom didn't sleep the whole night and that means Dad and Fian didn't either.  She just kept waking up even though she's super drowsy.  I know she's not scared but maybe she's just not ready to say bye to Dad and us.  Poor her didn't fall asleep until 4pm this afternoon, up for more than 24 hours.  The nursing team had to try three different sleeping medications to make her sleep.

After a short meet up with Carmen's, Kitty's and Sarah's families, I came down by subway.  Can't believe the four of them (including Gloria) turned into 16 of us after just a few years.  Gloria (and the boys) came shortly after but Mom had just fallen asleep. So, the boys didn't get to see Mom today. We'll try again tomorrow.

With Mom's condition, as mentioned, I don't think it's a good idea to have visitors.  At least not until she's starting to have a pattern again, if God allows.  Thanks for coming, the fruits and the flowers 5 Gu Jeh and Yvonne.  Also, thanks to Arthur for driving the aunties down to pray and to sing her the song.  Sorry to make you guys wait and made your visit so short with so many limitations.  But I'm sure you all understand, thank you once again.  Let me know in advance if any of you are thinking to visit, so I can let you know the most updated situation. Uncle Andy is right, you are welcome to visit Dad though as I know we care about Dad just like how much we care about Mom.

Since Mom fell asleep at 4ish finally and according to the doctors, it'll last for 4-6 hours, I went back up with Gloria and the boys to have dinner with my in-laws.  I can't believe that they already arrived for six days.  Thank God for giving me the chance to spend time with them and treat them dinner.  God's arrangement is great with the other pair of grand parents around when this pair is busy.  God is good.  When I went back down at around 10ish, Mom got up a little but she wasn't able to be "up up up".  Carly said she may not be able to see as well now but she can still hear well.  She felt back asleep not too long after.  Pray that she doesn't need to suffer.  God, I rather see her less as long as she doesn't need to suffer.  She's in Your hands always.

"I tell you, my friends, do not be afraid of those who kill the body and after that can do no more. But I will show you whom you should fear: Fear him who, after your body has been killed, has authority to throw you into hell. Yes, I tell you, fear him. Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." (Luke 12:4-7 NIV)

Palliative Care

I believe in God and I also believe His power for miracle. Some may pray for miracle that God can heal Mom so she can overcome this sickness and be well again. To me, miracle has different levels.  The doctors first said one week last Tuesday if we go Option 1 and with His grace, Mom has already beat that.  The doctors also said 24-36 hours on Monday night, with His Grace again, Mom beat that too.  These are all miracles to me - thank you God!  And that's why they transferred us to Palliative Care Unit one floor up.

Emotionally unstable, sometimes I'm not sure what to pray for but Gloria reminded me that we just need to pray for hope and peace no matter what the outcome will be.  And that's very true.  See what He wants, as doctors are still human.  They know just "a bit" more about our bodies with just "a bit" more experience (we still need you Carly, haha).  He is still in charge at all times.  Pray that our minds can always be clear and that we can focus on Him, not just on the numbers...

20121226 Wednesday - Boxing Day. Thanks to Fian and Dad, I got to spend some time with the boys at home this Christmas this morning.  Gloria insisted to wait to open the presents as a family.  I love you B!  We opened our stocking presents and the boys' ones before heading downtown with 4 Gu Jeh.

Mom's night was not bad.  Including Dad and Fian, all three of them got some rest, at least from 5am to 8am. The nurses were cleaning her while we arrived.  Gloria, the boys and my in-laws then arrived shortly after.  Mom loves her grand kids and was able to kiss them with her limited energy.  Trying to let Mom rest, they didn't stay long and left for lunch.  Thanks for having lunch on Baldwin Street, I got to join before coming back to the hospital.

When I came back, the nurses were trying to move Mom to 16th floor - Palliative Care Unit.  Yes, they put Mom on the top of the waiting list and moved another patient to a smaller room just to fit her (and us) in!  The whole floor is so much nicer with fancy wall tiles, hardwood floor, etc.  The room is also much bigger.  Dad has his own bed and they gave Fian another mattress too!  They also have two lounges with sofa, kitchen, arm chairs, computer, books, TV and even a piano. Mom is now on 16-220 and it allows flowers!!!

Mom likes all kinds of accessories and one of the "worries" she has on earth is what to do with all her "ding ling dung lung" as neither Fian or Gloria are as "ding ling dung lung" as she is.  So Dad asked us to bring her accessories down so she can wear them and be pretty.  Need to mention that Carly also promised Mom to put some nail polish for her on Christmas day.  However, with her condition, we forgot!  She actually reminded Carly the day before about it when Carly was going home!  Her mind is still very sharp and clear but her body is just very weak and is in lots of pain.  She's still strong and stubborn after all.

Grandma, Uncle Ed, Derek, Carly and Tyler were all there shortly after we settled.  Mom and Dad do have a lot for just a little more than a week of stay! Mom was resting most of the time.  Grandma's heart is so broken that her facial expression will tell you all.  We kept reminding her not to by massaging her eye brows but it didn't work very well.  Poor her, it must be hard for this 91 year old lady.  Mom was up every few minutes and we were joking like maybe Mom wanted to sleep with Dad.  Dad said no, "she wouldn't like it".  Then Mom got up with her two arms wide opened wanting Dad to join!  Mom kissed Dad once Dad got on beside her!  How sweet!

So the rest of us (Uncle Ed and Grandma left) all left to give them some one to one time and hoping that both of them can rest a little (even though it didn't last long).  We were chatting and spending quality time in the lounge before 4 Gu Jeh and I headed back up.  Fian and Dad would continue to stay 24/7 from now on.  I dropped 4 Gu Jeh (she's staying at my parents') and made it in time to join Gloria, the boys and my in-laws for dinner.  It then start snowing!  After settling the boys, Gloria and I went out for dessert take out having fun driving in snow!  Somehow we both got so excited when it's snowing.  We spent some time with 4 Gu Jeh while having dessert together.  She shared to us a lot about my Grandma (from Dad's side) who passed away when I was 8.  She also updated us about 5 Gu Jeh in Vancouver who's also battling cancer.  Please also pray for my 5 Gu Jeh and family!  God is good all the time.  He does have His plan.  We all miss you.

20121227 Thursday - Gloria needs to work but Cheryl is back so the boys will have some fun with her at home.  4 Gu Jeh and I came down but it took us longer cuz' of snow shovel and the road condition.  Mom danced with Dad this morning again and was then "in and out" for the whole day.  She couldn't fall asleep at the beginning.  We had to ask for more dosage on the pain medication (Dilaudid - five times stronger than morphine).  She was then able to sleep finally from 11am to 2pm.  And so did Dad and Fian.  I love you all.

Each time, Mom is up for about less than an hour but still very "drunk".  Her second nap was from 3pm to 6pm.  Derek/Jenny, Carly/Tyler came later this evening.  Uncle Ed and Auntie Tiana brought us all dinner (thank you!).  The whole family is once again together, God is good.  I miss Gloria and my boys though...Dad also got a chance to shower finally.

After spending almost a year for treatments in HK, God sent Mom back to Canada for a reason.  She can enjoy her time with her family and friends here.  So everyone from both sides could show their love and care for her.  Since only two visiting hours were allowed in HK each day, Dad also mentioned that one day here in Canada equals 12 days in HK.  So, Dad said it's been more than a year already!  God is good once again.

I'm not sure what is quality of life sometimes as Mom is either in pain when up or sleeping without pain.  God, we will continuously pray for your mercy and guidance.  Once of Mom's favorite verses.

"應當一無掛慮，只要凡事藉著禱告、祈求和感謝，將你們所要的告訴神。  神所賜出人意外的平安，必在基督耶穌裡保守你們的心懷意念。" (腓 立 比 書 4:6-7)

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6-7)

Goodbyes...not

20121224 Monday - Silent Night.  Fian and I came down while Gloria and my in-laws are with the boys (thanks).  Mom again was in pain and spending a lot of time resting.  However, whenever there's visitors, her caring chair hosting characteristics would still drive her to use all her energy left in her tank just greet them and "talk" to them.  As Mom needs medication more frequent as her pain is bothering her more and more, she's having more and more "unconscious" time in a day.  The medication is super drowsy making her really sleepy.  Sometimes, she can sleep for up to three hours.

We got to spend some quality time together today while having visitors in between.  Thanks for all the visits, prayers, songs, food, all the phone calls, texts, messages, etc.  Fian and I went pick up our 4 Gu Jeh (Dad's sister) from the airport.  With Mom's drowsiness, we are leaving Mom and Dad while my Uncle's family, Grandma, Gloria and the boys including my in-laws all went out for Silent Night dinner together in China Town.  Thanks Jenny/Derek and Carly/Tyler for treating us.  Carly and Tyler were there with us the whole time.  They probably spend more time with my parents than anyone of us - thank you.  No wonder Dad loves them so much.  

After dinner, we all came back trying to say goodnight before heading home.  But Mom started shaking with spasms.  She's also having a hard time breathing.  Carly and the doctors said, according to their experience, we are talking 24 to 36 hours.  With this sad news, Fian and I decided to stay overnight and therefore, 4 Gu Jeh has to stay with us too (and she's more than willing to, I know).  Carly and Tyler also decided to stay as they know Mom and Dad would feel more comfortable when they are around.  With Mom's strong faith and peace, everyone seemed alright.  Thank God.

Mom was not stable the whole night and she would jump up and looked lost.  We all took turns trying our best to comfort her whenever she woke up telling her we are all here.  Fian would hold her hands from her right and 4 Gu Jeh on her left.  Cuz' she needed to sleep up, her head just kept falling.  So, I just decided to stay by her side a let her lean on my shoulder.  

20121225 Tuesday - Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday Jesus.  Since we were around, Dad got to rest a few hours.  Every time when Mom got up, she would look for Dad but we just kept trying to comfort her just to let Dad sleep more (10-1ish).  We took turns helping with different things and somehow I passed out at around 3am after a washroom break and didn't wake up until 6ish.  Mom's condition was still very unstable.  We all expect for the worse and all thought that Mom wanted to pick the most special day of the year for this.  She's pretty much unconscious the whole time.  Rev. Wong and C Mo came early at around 8am and prayed for her.  We believed she heard everything but weren't too sure.  Rev. Wong asked each of us to talk to her and it was the most emotional moment so far.  Dad's always the crying baby and this time, everyone else are all in tears.  I couldn't even talk properly weeping finally.  However, God's grace somehow woke her up when Rev. Wong and C Mo were trying to leave.  Mom said thank you and goodbye!  Again, that's cuz' of her character trying to make sure all "guests" are well greeted.   Later on, Uncle Ed brought Grandma and her heart was completely broken, which is very understandable.  Having two boys of my own, I can't imagine how devastated it can be if Jake/Jonah is suffering this much.  Mom tried her very best to stay up just to calm Grandma down, showing her that she's fine.  This time she's even more alert and up than Rev. Wong's blessing.  

Her condition was getting more and more stable onward, especially when the boys arrived.  She's not having any spasms anymore and her vital check was actually good.  The doctors confirmed that she will have a good night tonight.  So everyone's hearts is lighter once again.   I decided to go home tonight to recharge with 4 Gu Jeh.  Fian will stay but she went to Carly and Tyler's condo for a shower so she would feel better too.

The highlight of the day is for sure when Mom got up all of a sudden and wanted to stand up!!!  We were all not sure and in shocked.  She actually have strength on the knees all of a sudden!  God is amazing, thanks for giving her the strength!  Dad cried and apologized to Mom that he shouldn't have kept rejecting Mom when Mom asked him to dance before.  There's this song Dad likes about walking with Jesus.  So while singing that song, Dad and Mom actually DANCED!!!  Carly found another song (Uncle Ed and Auntie Tiana's song) after, so they had a little waltz moment.  I taped them all but my hands were shaky cuz' my tears just couldn't stop from falling.  Thank God for that.  It was really sweet.

Uncle Ed brought turkey and wine down.  We all celebrated Christmas as a family in the hospital.  Yes, according to Carly, even though we are in the hospital, we are celebrating together as a family.  Once again, thanks to my Mom, our families are super close.  God is good all the time.  

"He performs wonders that cannot be fathomed, miracles that cannot be counted." (Job 5:9)

Silent Night Frog...

20121222 Saturday - Mom was half asleep half awake last night but today, she was very good.  Fian offered to stay last night even though Dad refused.  She didn't sleep much cuz' Mom was very demanding, haha.  No wonder Dad is so tired.  I don't think he slept much in the past few days.  He also complained that his lower back is in pain.  But it's our honor to serve our family and it's a blessing to have lower back pain!!!  Keep it up Dad!!!

Gloria and I missed our traditional Christmas Celebration gathering last night but I kept all their presents under the tree so they all have to come get them later, haha.  Ray Ray was sweet for the first time when Gloria asked him how was the party on Friday.  He goes, "it won't be the same without you guys!", awwww, hehehe. Thanks for all the prayers everyone!

Mom is still very strong inside even though her body is the opposite.  It's always Dad who's crying.  I know he is also faithful but he just has more water in him, haha.  Love is what it is.  I'm sure you would want to cry when you see Dad "sing" to Mom in tears and shaky voice, "Longing to hold you...longing to kiss you...beginning to miss you...".  He would tell us how excited he was when he first dated Mom.  How fast his heart was beating outside the movie theater waiting for Mom's presence.  Even though Mom is late, once she showed up, he said the sky became brighter all of a sudden (how sweet...).  Then Mom broke the romantic scene in my head and said, "I don't even know what you are singing...", haha (cuz' yea, it's really hard to hear with his super shaky voice, haha)...

We went down after Chinese school and lunch.  Mom was very alert today with a lot of energy.  A lot of family, friends, aunties and uncles came to visit.  She enjoys the company.  But again, if you are planning to visit, please try to make it short cuz she is really tired and needs rest, even though she is a good fighter.

Fian was exhausted so she stayed with Mom during dinner and all of us went out for dinner, including Dad.  It's good to stay strong together with family during tough times.  Uncle Ed's family and our family plus Grandma are so close because of this stubborn lady.  She is very good in building relationship I have to say.  Both Fian and Mom had a three hours nap when we were eating out.  Thank God for that.  Fian then came home with us tonight trying to leave Mom and Dad some one on one time. 

20121223 Sunday - We all went to church this morning.  I know a lot of you want to greet us and show us how much you care but didn't get a chance to or didn't know how to/what to say.  We all GOT IT with many thanks.  Fian stayed with Grandma for noon worship (so she had two worships, hahaha).  Gloria, the boys and I headed down right after lunch when Dad asked us to come soon.  Yea, Dad said Mom's face is getting pale and was kinda worried.  

Mom wasn't as alert as yesterday and still in pain, especially at her lower back.  She wants to rest but the pain keeps waking her up as she needs to change positions every 15mins.  Dad needs to pull her up, dance with her, hold her, lift her, massage her, feed her, wipe her, change her, just stay with her.  Here is what Fian said on her Facebook Posts (1 and 2) (if you have FB account)...

I know many people are waiting for our updates.. I arrived yesterday and went straight to the hospital from the airport! I am so happy to see her again! I am so thankful that I could see her smile again! We had a great family gathering time last nite at the hospital.. Everyone was there and juz like we were having a pre-xmas party or something! After seeking for God's Will and discussing with the whole family.. Mom decided not to take further chemo treatment but rather spend the very last moments with her loved ones! We all cried except this strong lady in the house when making this difficult decision! She was able to lead a more than 5-min prayer at the end to give thanks to God.. This was not easy as she was so tired that she could fall asleep at any time even during our conversation! We joked that she needs to go to the God's Kingdom first so that she could prepare everything for us.. Then she goes.. "me again?!" haha.. Yes! She is always the one who makes arrangements for the family and friends.. 個個都慣咗睇佢頭.. 聽
maybe u think this is sad.. But the love and peace we have in our family is hard to describe.. For those who care about her and our family.. Thanks for your prayers and support all along and please continue to do so! I wish everyone a Merry X'mas! It started snowing this morning! Love it~~ :) God is good all the time!

"Their love melts everyone and for sure will last 4ever"
My second day here.. I went down with gor after dropping jake to school.. Spent a lot of time with mom and dad at the hospital.. Observing how dad looked after mom the whole day.. As the bad cells started to spread.. She is suffering from pain all over her body.. Need pain killers to reduce the pain level.. Usually this would make her feel sleepy.. But the sleep wont last long as muscle pain is there whenever she stays in the same position for long.. She needs to sit up and lie down from time to time.. and she needs Dad's help to do this.. (side story: mom always complains about dad not willing to dance with her.. But now whenever they need to go from chair to bed or vice versa.. 佢哋就要跳番part 舞先做到！哈哈！dad kept saying sorry when he made the turn with mom ! At one time I saw mom's feet were on Dad's! They r still a very sweet couple after all!) Changing positions of mom took a lot of energy.. and now I know where Dad's waist pain came from.. and sometimes he needs to do this 4 times every hour.. Thinking on this.. he shouldnt have enough sleep during the past week.. juz to take advantage of my jetlag problem.. I offered to him that I would take his shift that nite so that he could find himself some time to sleep.. I mean proper sleep.. Lying down and putting his glasses off.. Dont think he has done it for the last couple of days.. I m glad that he took the offer at the end after persuading him for quite some time.. Although I wont do a better job than him.. and I m sure mom would always prefer dad to be her 24/7 nurse.. at least I can keep an eye on mom during the nite while he could finally get some rest! I was so thankful that I was given this one-on-one moment with mom.. At our first dance.. Mom asked me where's dad?! I lied to her that dad went to take a shower.. When we had our second dance.. I told her that he actually went sleeping on the sofa in the waiting room.. I reminded her about the lack of sleep of dad.. Although she doesn't like to dance with me.. she didnt ask me again until morning came.. I can see the love between them.. I m sure u would tear when seeing dad singing a song to mom repeatedly with his shaky voice.. "longing to hold u.. Longing to kiss u.. Beginning to miss u.." he did this becoz he claimed that it would be easier for mom to locate him.. He would keep singing this song one day when he reaches heaven! My back and waist pain got worse after the nite.. Haha! "無用!" as haven said.. But I m more than willing to do it! I m so blessed to be born in a family like this.. Always proud to have parents like them.. They not only love me.. protect me.. spoil me.. teach me.. prepare the best for me.. Most importantly they led me to God.. they have set up a very good role model.. Juz wanna be like them more everyday! I love u!!

My in-laws arrived this evening and they came straight from the airport.  We then went out for dinner with Dad and let Fian and Mom rest just like yesterday.  Gloria was smart enough to make sure we drove two cars down as my mind is probably not clear enough.  So, the boys, Gloria and my in-laws left right after dinner.  Dad and I got a chance to walk back and had a good chat.  This guy is very sad but at the same time he knows who holds the future.  His faith is nothing less than Mom as I said but it's just that he's not as strong.  We got a present from Uncle Hugo and Auntie Ivy - a frog!  It stands for Fully Rely On God, hahaha.  Cute!!!

Fian was trying to stay overnight but Dad insisted to stay alone.  So, we finished helping Dad with a few routines before leaving.  For sure, we will stick together only closer from now on...

One thing worth to mention is Jake.  He somehow turned into another person lately, hahaha.  He becomes so good and obedient all of a sudden, keep listening and following everything.  He even teaches Jonah what's right and wrong. I hope this won't be a temporary thing.  I found that it's so much happier if someone else is praising my kids, hahaha.  However, his superhero blood is still in him!  Just like Mom's superhero is always with her, thank God!!!

"The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.  He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside quiet waters, He refreshes my soul.  He guides me along the right paths    for his name’s sake.  Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.  You prepare a table before me    in the presence of my enemies.  You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.  Surely Your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever." (Psalms 23)

Option 3...

Sorry for the delay as I have been busy spending time with Mom in the hospital.  Most of the time with the boys around, didn't have enough time to finish.  Thanks for all the prayers, according to Fian, there's no Option 1 or 2, only 3 and 4 cuz' God is with us on top of the two Options...we have made our decision with FAITH, purely relying on Him, nothing human.

20121219 Wednesday - With the bad news, I'm sure everyone's heart was heavy.  Thank God for giving me peace, especially in front of a group of people.  My tears somehow only falls when I'm in front of Gloria, haha (so far so good).  I'm sure a lot of us would pick Option 2 in the first place, knowing that 20% vs 0%, including me.  Like how Rev. Wong reminded us that at least we will have no regrets as we have tried everything.  But who would know how much pain Mom has to bear.  Actually, only Dad knows as he's the only one who's with her 24/7.  Everyone would think Mom is going to make the decision as usual (that's how it works in my family and I'm sure a lot of other places, haha) but she said she would listen to Dad this time.  Poor Dad, hahaha...

Fian confirmed that she could leave the next day and would arrive Thursday evening.  I also took off work early after explaining to my colleagues (will probably work from home or hospital).  I have to say that this early holiday is not very exciting.  While we are praying about which option to go for, Mom wanted to make the decision together as a family when Fian arrives.  So yea, she wanted to wait for Fian's arrival.  The doctors and the nurses were so nice to respect Mom and asked her to take her time but I know it's time sensitive (for option 2) when they just kept asking if Fian had arrived every few hours.

If we go Option 1, even though it may look like we are giving up and Mom will probably have about one week of time on earth, she wouldn't have to suffer with no pain.  She'll be transferred to palliative care unit (if space is available) which I heard it will be more like a hotel than hospital.  The sad part is that her mind may not be as clear and she may not like to eat.  Of course, that means she will not have much time with us.  

If we go Option 2, Mom may need to suffer a lot more and the end result maybe even be worse than Option 1.  As per the doctors and Carly, her leukemia has spread all over her body including her lungs, kidneys, colon, liver, skins, etc.  The chances of making it is slim.  Also, any side effects may take her life in hours.

It looks like a hard decision and yes, it is a very hard decision as this is a life decision of someone we love a lot.  However, I don't think it's hard cuz' we are scared to be blamed for making a wrong one as we are all faithful and trust that God's plan is always the best.  I think it's harder to open up among each one of us on how we think, especially Mom.  The first question I asked Mom, "Are you scared?".  Mom's answer was quick and clear, "No, not at all.".  Once again, God gave me peace the whole time even when Dad was crying like a baby.  Dad loves Mom so much that he wants to spend more time with her on earth but at the same time, his love for her is a selfless one that he rather to see her less just so Mom doesn't need to suffer.  In tears and a shaky voice, he said, "We'll see each other in heavy."  And I knew they already agreed that Option 1 will be the final one. I'm sure Fian will respect that but Mom and Dad still want to make the decision together when Fian is around.

We all had fun in the hospital.  Yes, Gloria took the boys down with dinner so we got to spend time together around Mom.  We are planning to spend a lot more time downtown this holidays for sure.

20121220 Thursday - Fian arrived later than we all expected (19:05).  Well, it's actually my fault as I mistakenly thought 14:55 is the arrival time but, instead, it's the duration.  

Gloria and I took the boys down after lunch and took turns going up while the boys were sleeping in the car.  We went out to get sushi at night while waiting for Fian's arrival.  The freezing rain caused a little traffic on the way but Fian arrived saved.  I whatsapped her Option 1 once she arrived.  Her response was, "I knew it, respect that."  This is exactly what I expected from her too, no surprise.  She does have questions, like all of us.  So, Carly gathered all our questions and will try to get all answered from the doctors.  The doctors and team actually were still waiting for our formal response.  I'm sure we can have everything clarified in the "meeting".  The doctors were too busy that night, so 10am Friday morning was schedule.  Everyone was so happy so see Fian and the atmosphere was great tonight.  We got to spend some quality time together, God is good all the time.

Dad led a prayer before we formally talked as a family.  Mom prayed after we talked.  Everyone respected the decision and agreed that there's no look back and regret.  It's not that we don't try and give up.  It's just that we all have enough faith to just rely on God's hand but not depending on human's.  We joked around and saying that Mom needs to prepare everything for us up there before we arrive.  Mom's response was, "Me again?", hahaha.  As usual, she's the best candidate for that.  Thank God for making the decision so easy, thank you for the peace among us.  Grandma's heart is broken but at the same time, she knows who is in control.  Dad is still crying like a baby but his faith is not a bit less than Mom.  He was right though, we all cried non stop but Mom never, NEVER showed even a drop of tears.  She's still the strong and stubborn Mom of mine after all.  I'm so proud to have her as my Mom, I mean, how can she be this faithful even at this moment.  I guess I still have a lot to learn.

20121221 Friday - End of the world day.  Once again, this shows us only God holds the future, not human.  Fian and I came down on time even though we left late - no traffic.  The doctors didn't get to meet us until almost 5pm, haha.  Carly said to Tyler right a way, saying, "I'm not that late comparing to other doctors...", hahaha.  Poor Tyler, hahaha.  So Fian and I got to spend some time with Mom and Dad.  We talked about our most memorable things about Mom.  Most interesting things about us.  We even talked about what I cannot say in her funeral ceremony.  It was so sweet.  Gloria is right, our family is very close and we are always so noisy cuz' we talk a lot.  We can say anything and we can show all emotions.  Nothing will carry forward overnight.  God has been spoiling us actually.

With the decision already made, we just had a few questions to clarify.  We agreed that we will keep the transfusion and antibiotics but now the focus wouldn't be to cure, just on comfort.  We will stop the blood work and let God lead His way in His time.  Resuscitation level also was chosen with no tube and no prefibrillation.  Everything was settled and everyone's heart was lighter again.  

Since the palliative unit is packed, Mom is to keep staying in her room for now at least for these few days until next Monday.  She's happy about it.  We'll be trying our best to spend more time with her.  She also loves to see all her friends and doesn't mind having visitors.  There's a lot of visitors already.  Please try to keep your visit short as she still needs her rest.  Goodbye is hard but see you isn't...His grace is always sufficient.  Thank you God for everything.  Our faith will only be stronger. 

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. ⁸ Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day—and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing. (2 Timothy 4:7-8)

Fian is coming back...

Fian is coming back sooner because Mom's condition is not stable.  She was well last week but now everything back to square one - not sure with lots of question marks.  Only God knows why, so I'm not going to even ask.  

20121217 Monday - Mom's pain is getting better according to Dad.  She's also eating okay.  Had a sandwich (softer ones) and some mashed potatoes.  She also managed to finish Grandma's soup but couldn't eat the soup ingredients.  She had a CT Scan this morning to see how well she is for the next round of chemo treatment.  Her lips are still swollen with some bruises but no more bleeding.  After the platelet last night, she had two bags of blood today.  The doctor and nurses will keep an eye on her with her condition.  They also gave her some antibiotics and pain killers at the same time, trying to bring her condition back up and get ready for the treatment.  

The nurses found Dad his sofa bed so he will rest better from now on.  He also started taking shower and having dinner at Carly and Tyler's this week.  One good news is that Mom finally has some BM after like five/six days!!!  She wanted to go right after the scan and thought it was just a little (cuz' probably it was quick).  But there was actually a lot, according to Dad!  She feels much better after that but in general, she's still very weak.  She couldn't even stay up when I was there last night, even though she's alert and answering me here and there.  

The doctor said they will wait until Mom's condition is better before they will start the treatment, probably around two three days.  Wilson reminded me that I don't need to be strong at all cuz' the weaker we are, the more we know we need Him.  Pray that I can stay humble at all times so the thirst will always be there.

Jonah misses Mom and Dad for sure, kept asking for them whenever...me too.

20121218 Tuesday - Fian called during lunch asking if she should come back sooner (originally, she planned to come back in February).  Apparently, she talked to Dad over the phone and Dad showed some emotions.  Dr. Lutynski said Mom is not fit to have the second chemo.  They need to make sure she's strong enough but her lungs and kidneys are not very stable.  The lumps on her arms and in her abdomen are all leukemia related.  I haven't asked if it means it's spread cuz' I'm scared to know more.  Fian will talk to her boss tomorrow and let him know the situation.  Most likely will come back sooner, at least that's the plan for now.  

Mom's oxygen level is at the max and is having problem breathing.  She's too weak to even go pee herself, that's why the urinary catheter is back.  She's also in severe pain that not even morphine works.  So they had to give her something that's five times stronger.  The Doctor said he's thinking if it's worth doing the second chemo for Mom.  I think that's when Dad started to break down.

I got a massage from Tyler after work.  It wasn't the best news I'm sure.  We basically have two options: one to do nothing and let it happen, with transfusion and pain relief only.  Mom will have one to two weeks.  Option 2 is to try a controlling chemo treatment which only has 20% of success rate.  Any side effects can take Mom's life in hours.  The decision has to be made soon as the options won't be there forever.  So if side effects of options 2 happens, she may not even have one to two weeks.  I went down earlier trying to see what they think.  Surprisingly, I was very calm with peace.

I was asking myself what's so scared and worried?  Cuz' I don't want to say goodbye.  Why don't I want to say goodbye?  That's because I love her and want to do so much with her.  But God told me not to as we can't do everything together anyways.  We won't have "enough" anyways, plus there's time for everything.  You never know the future.  Listening to the shooting down in the States, anything can happen anytime.  One week/two weeks maybe even longer than anyone of us.  

Carly and Tyler were there with us.  Dad was the weakest as usual, which is very understandable.  He wants to try at first but as Carly explained more and more, I think he backed up a little bit.  Mom is not scared but deep down, I know she has question marks like all of us.  She even said she feels a bit frustrated.  Yeah, cuz' we have seen God's work on her and second induction then BM transplant was the plan.  Pray that whatever decision we are to make, we won't regret and look back.  Mom wants to be pretty and she doesn't want pain.  And the bottomline is, what wants to make sure Fian is around, so she can be with everyone and we can go through it together.  

Rev. Tommy Wong and Pastor Johnny/Mable came at a different time to listen to us and pray for us.  I'm sure the whole church is now praying for us.  I really really want to say thank you for all the prayers and for walking with Mom and our family the whole time.  God is still good, even though it's sad and there will be tears.

Seriously, I'm in peace the whole time until I finally got home and started talking to Gloria.  Then, I started to cry...

There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,

a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,

a time to search and a time to give up,

a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,

a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,

a time for war and a time for peace.

(Ecclesiastes 3:1-8)

Back in PMH...

Today is only Monday and I am posting an update cuz' Mom went back to Princess Margaret Hospital (PMH) Friday.  Yes, earlier than we all expected.  Her condition has fallen and the medical team is preparing for her second induction chemo treatment when her body is ready.  It'll start as early as this week.  Thanks for all the prayers and don't let it stop. 

For soup team, please re-schedule if possible as Grandma may not be able to make as much soup as planned (when she doesn't drive for ingredients and the drop off). 

20121213 Thursday - After her weekly check up the day before, Mom was feeling alright.  But at night, she had a fever and according to the discharge guidelines, she needed to go to the hospital.  So Dad and Mom headed downtown early in the morning to see what's going on.  It's just a sign from God that she'll need to get treatment.  Carly rescheduled herself so she could take off early to see Mom and Dad at PMH.   She was a bit worried kept asking me questions like how high is her fever, what other symptoms, when was her last chemo day, etc.  Her conclusion wasn't great regardless, giving me only two possibilities, one is bad and one is not good, haha.  I just hoped that nothing is serious.  Carly said if anything, she may need to stay.

Gloria picked up Grandma after Bible Study Fellowship (we got to have lunch together while waiting for updates from Dad).  Cuz' I was kinda busy, I didn't call them until around 4pm to see what's going on. They already finished all examinations and heading back for dinner with us.  So it's a good sign.  At least she doesn't need to stay right a way.  She told me that her fever was gone when she arrived and she was actually feeling alright the whole time.  That's why there's no reason for the doctors to keep them down.

Dinner was good.  God gave us a quality family gathering time together before the next round.  Jake and Jonah were so excited once again with Mom and Dad around.  Mom didn't stay late cuz' she's tired once again from travelling.  And good thing that she went home early.  She started to have pain on her lower body and it was so painful that she couldn't even sleep that night.  Dad tried to stay up and help but the pain was still there.

20121214 Friday - The pain didn't go anywhere.  Mom finally could sleep late in the morning.  The hospital called and said they have a spot for her tonight.  Dad, therefore, had to finish packing while Grandma was trying to finish her soup for Mom.  I decided to drop them off but needed to be after fellowship as I'm leading that evening at my place.  We bought something to their place for dinner, trying to spend as much time as possible with Mom and Dad before they head downtown.  

Mom was not well enough to even join us for dinner.  It wasn't the best dinner I have to say.  Dad is stressed about the fact that this is happening again and said grace with a shaky voice.  Grandma was worried and didn't know what to expect and do as this is her very first time going through this with us.  I'm also stressed a little with everything.  I understand God is in control and I understand He is the almighty God who loves us more than anyone else.  However, when it comes to walking in the process, it's not easy to bear so much.  I have to admit that I am not as strong as ppl see/feel.  It doesn't mean that I am giving up.  It doesn't mean that my faith is gone, not a bit.  It's just that each of our hearts are filled with some "negativeness" and it's not easy to share right a way in front of everyone.  Please pray for us, pray for each of our needs...

On the way down, Dad had to sit with Mom at the back seats so he could keep massaging her to ease off her pain.  The drive wasn't fun, as it reminds me of all my prayers with worries, uncertainties, questions, complaints, etc.  I know I was thinking about a lot of random things but I was still trying to stay positive, knowing that He's in control.  Let His will be done, period.  No matter what, I'll take it with my family with a smile!!!  

Interestingly, we got the same room!  Nurses are all familiar, but Dad didn't get his sofa bed/arm chair though.  Hopefully, they can find him one sooner.  I have to say Mom is not the easiest patient to take care of, hahaha.  Poor Dad being bossed around a few times but that's how we function in this family.  Nothing will change I know, hahaha.  God will be with them even when I'm not around.  God will be with them when they are "fighting", it's all good.  

20121215 Saturday - We went down as a family today while the boys are napping.  We brought stuff down as usual, like Dad's bakery, bowls, chopsticks, coke, etc.  I also brought them C Mo's congee and she loved it.  She's eating okay.  Mom is still in pain and was complaining about how much blood the hospital is taking from her body for blood work.  I understand where it is coming from cuz' it's been so many days from Wednesday, Thursday, Friday to today!!!  She also couldn't go to the washroom (no BM).  Dad still doesn't have his sofa bed yet.  It looks like he'll need to wait until Monday.  

I didn't stay long as Jonah got up sooner than expected.  Her blood pressure is a bit high, so she'll be on pills for that and BM, plus the pain killer until Monday and other procedures.  We went back up for dinner with Grandma before the Christmas celebration at church.  I wish they were here deep down but I know God will help us.

20121216 Sunday - With church in the morning and other commitments, I didn't visit them until at night.  Well, the main reason is to wait for Grandma's soup.  I drove Grandma back home after dinner before heading down.  I wasn't feeling very well I have to say.  Not sure if it's just my heart, the not excited journey or if it's from Jonah, my body is not at the best shape I know.  Yeah, Jonah is having fever this evening just before dinner.  And I started feeling something after dinner.

Mom's blood work is dropping.  Her platelets went down to 39!  She needed transfusion already. Thinking back, she was all good a few days ago and things can change this rapidly.  Thank God for giving her a bed sooner so she can be treated earlier, on time.  I brought Grandma's soup, some fruits and coke again (cuz' their got stolen!!!).  Mom's bleeding when I first arrived.  Her lips, mouth, teeth, are all with blood.  It was before I found out about her low platelets.  But once it was cleaned, it wasn't that bad.  The transfusion started when I was there.  She also has the appetite for soup, and pears.  It wasn't bad.  She is eating pretty good today.  It's just her BM is still not there.  Nurses have gave her medication and hopefully, she can go soon.  I can see her big tummy cuz' of that (looks like she's pregnant, hahaha).  Thank God that her pain is leaving, even though she is still very weak to go pee on her own.  

God, this is not easy but we do have hope in You.  We'll hang on to You tight.  Pray for health of Jonah and myself too...

"but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." (Isaiah 40:31)