201314

Mom, are you listening?  Are you reading my blog too?  I miss you so much even though I know where to find you.  Sorry for being the most difficult and challenging one of your life.  Sorry for yelling back at you all the time.  You are so "fan" and "long air" and I probably still doing the same even when you are around.  But I want more.  I haven't had enough.  Thank you for giving birth to me, raising me up by spending extra time and attention on me.  Thanks for showing and demonstrating Fian and I the true value of life.  We will stay behind for now with Dad patiently waiting for God's direction.  Don't worry about us, Grandma, Gloria, the boys, my uncles and families, etc.  We are one unit cuz of you and we'll keep it going and go through this together.  You go ahead and have fun with Him...

 

 

Losing the closest person of yours is very very hard.  With His love, I know we will see each other, but I do miss her a lot.  I'm alright in general and I always tell ppl, "Don't worry, I'm okay.".  Of course I do have my not okay time but God is good, His grace is more than sufficient.

 

20130104 Friday - Mom was sleeping very well.  She was not in pain I know.  Even when the nurses were turning her, she was barely up.  She might be able to open her eyes for just one or two seconds, then back in her sleeping beauty mode.

 

Dad called me in the morning asking me to take my time since all three of them slept well the night before.  So I decided go to work.  My plan was to finish off my stuff and took off after lunch.  Too bad my conference call got delayed, I ended up finishing at 3pm.  Gloria got off shortly after, so we headed down with leftover food together with Jake and Jonah planning to have dinner in the hospital with Mom, Dad and Fian.

 

Thank God for the smooth traffic, I dropped off the kids and Gloria just before 630pm.  Dad came down to help out while I went to park.  Mom was still sleeping calmly before Dad came down but when I opened Mom's door, Fian was in a "concern" mode telling me that Mom's breathing is getting slower.  Thank God that Carly was around (Tyler and her arrived just few minutes before Gloria and the boys).  Carly was trying to call the doctors through the nurses while Fian was monitoring Mom closely by her bed.

 

Dad read her Psalm 23 while Gloria and I were calling her with the boys.  The boys all called her Mah Mah twice.  I told her that we are all here by her side and will be with her forever no matter where she is physically.  I knew I was in shock.  It's a bit exaggerating, it did feel like one of those John Woo's movies while I'm listening to something classic and not moving much in slow motion while everyone else were busy with something.  Ever since her MDS diagnosed last November, this day has been in my mind and I knew it has arrived.  I didn't know what to do, I didn't know how to react.  I don't even remember if I were holding Mom's hand or if I were holding Jake or Jonah at that time.  I just paused... ... ...

 

She didn't wake up, she didn't move her eye brows, she didn't show us any signs but all of a sudden God woke me up and comforted me telling me that Mom heard everything and she will be with us forever.  It's felt like a reassurance and a promise.  I gathered my thoughts a little and started counting Mom's breathing intervals.  It was like inhale, exhale, pause...inhale, exhale, pause.  The pause was about 10 seconds at the beginning and it went back to inhale, exhale and pause.  Then, it was 15 seconds, then 20 seconds.  I was like waiting for her next breath and hope that there is one.  It was then 25 seconds, 30 seconds, and then it just never come back.  Dad said it's like the sound of wave.  Imagine you were lying on a beach listening to the waves.  It comes, it goes and it just stopped at the end.  Everything is paused - so quiet and so peaceful.

Carly checked her pulse and I was looking at her waiting.  She looked up at me and shook her head with her eyes in red.

 

Dad kissed her in tears but he wasn't weeping.  He said he could feel Mom's presence within.  Her strength is with him all of a sudden.  Fian was still very calm giving thanks to God and telling us she picked the special day 201314 (in mandarin - love you forever) and left when all of us were by her side.  She said Mom probably listened to Dad when Dad asked her not to be so stubborn and kept hanging on earlier in the afternoon.  Mom, thanks for waiting for us.  I'm so thankful that we could be there, thank God.  Gloria couldn't hold on to her tears anymore.  She was trying to read Jake and Jonah a story but her voice was shaking.  Even Jake asked, "Mommy, why you sound so funny?".

 

Yes, Mom left at 6:45pm.  Everything happened within 5 minutes.  I kissed her, told her that I love her, asked her not to worry about us and "see you shortly".  I think I was still in shock at that time cuz I wasn't showing any emotions at all.  Fian was with Dad the whole time.  Carly and Tyler kept dealing with nurses and kept calling Uncle Ed, Derek, etc.  They were all on the way driving, so we didn't tell them so to make sure they would arrive safe.  Everything and everyone looked fine at that time.

 

Since the boys needed to eat, Gloria took them with the food to the lounge.  I went with her trying to help.  She held my hands and asked, "Are you okay?" and that's when I started everything...

 

When I came back to the room for the boys water, Uncle Ed and Auntie Tiana arrived.  They were all okay.  Rev. Wong and C Mo came back (they came earlier in the afternoon) to read Mom a few passages and pray but we all wanted to wait until Grandma arrives.  As expected, she's the one who's the most devastated.  Derek finally came with her (Jenny also came a little later, thanks!).  Once Grandma walked in, she knew something is going on.  Her tears started falling.  She couldn't even stand up on her own but since we were all well prepared, she's fine.  How tough it is to say goodbye to your own child?  I'm sure all parents can share that feeling.  Not just a simple mom and daughter relationship, Mom was the main support of the family when Grandma was busy with her business back then.  Grandma said she won't be who she is without Mom.  She was totally broken and kept asking Mom to take her together.  She had to "let out" by blaming Carly for not doing a better job.  Poor Carly, thanks for taking all the blames.  Its hard but I know you understand (hugs and kisses).  We spent quite a long time to comfort and explain to Grandma.  Fian and C Mo were basically all over her, haha.  To my surprise, Dad was one of them.  After a while, she was more calm.  Deep down, she knows who holds the future, who's in control.

Rev. Wong shared three passages to us and prayed. 

 

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Ephesians 4:7)

“Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me.  My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you?  And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.  You know the way to the place where I am going."

Thomas said to him, “Lord, we don’t know where you are going, so how can we know the way?”

Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.  If you really know me, you will know my Father as well. From now on, you do know him and have seen him.” (John 14:1-7)

The lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.  He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside quiet waters, He refreshes my soul.  He guides me along the right paths for his name's sake.  Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for You are with me, Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.  You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.  You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.  Surely Your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever." (Psalms 23)

Mom is definitely resting in peace.  We took turns eating before saying our final goodbye.  I drove Gloria and the boys back while they stayed behind to pack.  I came back down to pick up Dad, Fian and the stuff - our first time leaving Mom alone in the hospital.  Dad, Fian and I prayed one more time with Mom before leaving.  Dad said, "Even though we three are left behind, we have added three a little earlier (Gloria, Jake and Jonah) and we may have another three in the near future"...Dad is right, this is not the end of the story but only the beginning of another chapter.  God is good all the time still.  For now, Fian will be with Dad for the time being.  Thank God for taking your daughter home in such peaceful way.  Thanks also for giving us strength and reassuring us that You are the answer of everything.

20130105 Saturday - My first day without Mommy.  I guess there's no point putting a date on this blog anymore.  Dad likes to count and he would just keep telling us about when was Mom's last email, when was Mom's last time eating out with us, when was Mom's last this and that.  Fian is right, why don't we focus on the whole picture in general.  Mom was able to send us so many long air emails and Mom was able to spend so much time eating out with us all the time!!! To be honest, (I didn't tell you Fian) I'm like Dad too, haha.  Thanks though, I'll keep that in mind too.

 

The funeral home staffs picked Mom up early this morning.  With Rev. Wong's help, it took us no time to finalize our funeral home (Highland Funeral Home - Markham Chapel).  Since Mom has a lot of friends who love and care about her, we decided to have the service at church (MCBC).  Mom and Dad also bought their resting place (Elgin Mills Cemetery) more than 10 years ago, so everything is pretty much all set.  Here is the information or you can go to the funeral home's website for more information (my blog will keep you posted):

Also, please try not to send Mom flowers even though Mom loves flowers.  All funeral fund or "white money" will be offered to MCBC as per Mom and Dad's will.  If you wish to donate to Princess Margaret Hospital or other cancer associations, here are some suggestions.  You can do it in the memory of Irene Oi Lin LAW NG:

1. Leukemia and Lymphoma society:
2. Canadian Cancer Society: 
3. Princess Margaret Hospital Foundation: 

We went out for dinner after finishing the meeting with the funeral home staffs and somehow, there's an empty seat.  Kinda cute but yes, I do miss you Mom.