Hello, again - Time Flies, or not...

Four years ago today, God took her away.  

"Time flies" maybe what you feel but honestly, when I saw the date this morning and when I was still rolling on my bed recounting the number of years in my head, I felt the exact opposite: really, it's only been four years?  I felt like it's been something closer to ten years.  It has been too long for me to be here without her.  It has been too long for me to live without her constant nagging, without her yummy dishes, without her advice, without her phone calls and FaceTimes, without her "taking picture all the time" practice, without her "always want to be pretty" moments, without her teachings, without her deals discovering, without her super long emails, without her red pockets, her new travelling plans, her love and care, and her, herself...and that's how I feel and it was ONLY just four years.  I may still have a long way to go before I can see her again.  

All along, I thought I was handling the whole thing in a very mature way. At least, that's what I have been showing including on this blog but sometimes, like today, I just felt like to be a baby, Mom's first baby boy, and the first born of the family.  I feel like to be wrapped around her arms, feeling her body heat, enjoying her soft and gentle touch while listening to her voice and maybe while I'm doing my business on her lap.  It's silly but I do want to her to feed me, change my diapers, pamper me and spoil me...sorry, maybe it's just today...

Today is a special day and somehow I feel like to write again and here I am.  I saw Dad posted this on his FB this morning, "Irene，又一年了！你留我在一個沒有你的地方足足四年了。我雖然深信你活在我心裏，我亦儘量將你活出人前，我仍是這麼的念你，想你，想你多進入我的夢裏，讓我可以...."

"將你活出人前" caught my eyes.  Dad, no wonder you become so "fan" (annoying) once in a while, haha.  Of course, there are other great things we can all see and feel, too, simply look how much time you spend in the kitchen now.  Thanks for posting this and thanks for making me cry at work.  Do give thanks in all circumstances and continue to love.  Btw, everyone says mom and I look alike, so at least I'm still around in "this place", haha..."ding ju sin la".  

Dad's right, I think deep down, I'm also trying to live her out of my life like trying to lead, trying to be calm when speaking on the stage, trying to travel a lot, trying to be super organized, trying to do real estate, trying to serve and trying to show love especially to the seniors and the little ones.  Dad is now a great cook and I hope I can achieve the same - continue what you have taught us.  There's still a long way to go and we do share this attitude deep down.  I'm sure Fian, Uncle Ed, Kum Mo and even Grandma, etc. are all doing something similar.  

And back to my point, Dad and I share the same feeling, "足足四年了", we both feel it too long...

That's right, we already went a few days ago, just to say Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.  When I asked the boys if they remember Mah Mah, Jonah wasn't sure at the beginning but Jake said yes.  He remembers Hong Kong, he remembers Horseshoes, he remembers Dim Sums, and he remembers hospitals.  Once I mentioned hospital, Jonah recalled his comment on Mah Mah wearing no pants one time, hahaha.  Since the snow was quite deep and it was kinda cold and windy, I asked them if they wanted to just stay in the car or if they wanted to get off the car and go closer.  Surprisingly, yet thankfully, Jake said, "I want to get off.  I want to go closer to Mah Mah.  Jonah and I both have snow boots, we'll be fine."  He added this to Jonah, "Jonah, just follow my foot steps okay?".  Just picture how thankful I was at the moment.  I just let them go and of course, they remember where Mom was.  

This morning, the first thing I saw on my phone when I checked was a text from Gloria suggesting to pay a visit to the cemetery with the boys after work (thanks B for remember this, you are the sweetest always).  She even suggested flowers as Mom always love flowers but most of the time, Mom would rather save up the flower money for something else and I'm pretty sure I'm a big part of that something else.  Now I'm all grown up, getting her flowers is nothing but I wish I had sent her 100000000x more flowers when she was still around.  

Thanks for reading again.  The fact that you are reading means that you do care about my mom and my family.  There's no words that can explain that feelings.  Your support and love are heart felt.  Sorry for stopping without any note a little more than three years ago.  Somehow I kept this blog going for some time after mom had gone but it could only continue to a certain point when I decided to have a little pause.  Am I really back?  Should I keep writing?  

 "I can do all this through him who gives me strength." (Philippians 4:13)

"我 靠 著 那 加 給 我 力 量 的 ， 凡 事 都 能 做 。" (腓立比書 4:13)

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.