Half a Year

It's been half a year since Mom left.  Yes, it's already half a year.  Whenever I think of her, I still feel like she's around.  It's still so very real to me.  I am not crazy but maybe she's just the one who has the closest relationship with me since I was a baby.  All her nagging voices are still around my ears, all her smells are floating near my nose.  I can almost sense the skin of her hands.  I don't want to cry all the time but it's hard not to when I miss her, well not cry but tears maybe, haha.

Speaking about crying, I think I am considered one of the guys who cries more than normal and now I'm even worse, hahaha.  Whenever I have issues with Jake (yes, I never had issues with Jonah), I thought of Mom.  I thought of how hard it must be on her teaching me.  Cuz' it's really hard sometimes not to lose all your patient and get mad on Jake when he's misbehaving.  Yet at the same time, actually, maybe after I calmed down, I would feel very bad being so strict on him.  And then, I thought of Mom and started crying cuz' I know how much I love Jake and how heart breaking to be disappointed...which also means how much Mom loves me and how many times her heart broke cuz' of my misbehavior.   

My throat is hurting when I'm typing now cuz' I yelled at Jake the night before.  He just did a few bad things in a very short period of time.  From warning him nicely, to losing my cool yelling my lungs out and leaving him naked in the dark was just exhausting.  Not just physically exhausting but it's also emotionally too.  I love him so much but somehow he just didn't listen.  To me, I feel like he's ignoring me or worse, he chose not to listen and did the opposite.  He is scared of me when I raise my voice.  And I know he didn't like it and that's why he said sorry right away.  I'm just too mad not to do a thing.  Time out is something good for him and also for myself, just so I can cool myself down a little.  I'm sorry Jakie, Daddy doesn't know what's the best way to guide you and teach you and the worst thing is that Daddy's emotional control is almost zero.  But I won't give up cuz' no one is perfect to begin with.  I still love you very very much.  Please try not just remember me yelling at you and "punishing" you but remember how much fun we can play together and how much I love you.  

I actually got sick a few days after (and I'm still recovering now).  Probably yelling at Jake wasn't the cause but I'm really sick, hahaha.  But yeah, it's challenging - very challenging.

Things go back to normal after our three weeks vacation.  We started enjoying our summer in no time.  Trying not to over spend, we planned to get one season pass a year at one place.  For example, we have bought the season pass for Wonderland this summer and next summer we may get the one for the Toronto Zoo and then Science Center next and so on.  So, in order to make full use of our season pass, we have been going almost every week, hahaha!!!  Jake and Jonah went once last year and they loved it.  Last year, we spent the morning doing all the rides and had lunch there before making them to nap.  After 2+ hours, we woke them up to start playing water before leaving for dinner.  Having the season pass, it's never the same, haha.  We've been there maybe four/five times but each time we only spent less than half a day!!!  Sometimes, it's a spontaneous visit after dinner for funnel cake; sometimes, it's a morning weekday visit with only Gloria; we've also tried going on a busy Saturday for a few hours.  Regardless how many times we go, the boys never want to leave, hahaha.  Now that the summer really starts this week (no more summer camps for both of them), I'm sure we'll go even more on Thursdays and Fridays in this coming month or two.  Too bad I'm sick this week, or we would have gone more, haha.

We're going camping this weekend and I'm so very excited about it as this is our first time going in 10 years!!!  Last time, Gloria and I brought Pinky and Siuba (our two JRs) and this year, we are bringing Jake and Jonah (our two sons who are somehow related to Pinky and Siuba, hahaha).  Yes, Jake can be as hyper as Pinky and Jonah can be as good as Siuba yet sneaky sometimes, hahaha.  I'm not sure how things will go and I can't guarantee not to come back in the middle if something happens, hahaha.  One thing I'm sure is that we will bring our whole house, hahaha.  Sorry Dad, you'll have to be on your own this time.  Feel free to give him a shout!!!

We don't normally talk about Mom all the time.  But once in a while Dad would say something like, "Mah Mah doesn't have the chance to spend a lot of time with you Jonah, she only get to spend a bit time with your brother."  That broke my heart a little when I heard that.  I know we all want to spend unlimited time with our family but there's time for everything according to the bible.  Jonah loves Yeh Yeh so much that he loves to just hang out with him, to do nothing.  He's always our sweetest potato.

Jake is more possible in a way.  He is so talkative that he just doesn't stop.  Trust me, he can talk 24/7.  Last night, he said something about playing soccer and he said he wanted to kick the ball so high up to the sky and through the clouds and see if God can catch it.  He even asked if Mah Mah is a good goalie, haha.  Gloria and I smiled at each other and I told him, "Mah Mah is not very good in sports (other than maybe dancing) but yes, you can try and see if you can score a few goals on Mah Mah."  He was very excited and even showed us some kicks on his bed in his PJs, hahaha.

Pray that we'll have lots of fun in camping and that I'm all better too.  Mom, we all miss you lots...

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: 

a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,

a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,

a time to search and a time to give up,

a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,

a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,

a time for war and a time for peace." (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8)

"凡事都有定期，天下萬務都有定時。 生有時，死有時。栽種有時，拔出所栽種的也有時。 殺戮有時，醫治有時。拆毀有時，建造有時。 哭有時，笑有時。哀慟有時，跳舞有時。 拋擲石頭有時，堆聚石頭有時。懷抱有時，不懷抱有時。 尋找有時，失落有時。保守有時，捨棄有時。 撕裂有時，縫補有時。靜默有時，言語有時。喜愛有時，恨惡有時。爭戰有時，和好有時。" (傳道書 3:1-8)